My son was three months old and I still didn’t feel like myself. My contact with the outside world was almost non existent. The last time I saw any of my friends was prior to giving birth and even my interaction with family had become super limited. I didn’t want to talk to people; I didn’t want to hear comments on my weight or size whether they were good or bad. I did not want to hang out at the bar or restaurants with my friends who could drink while I was still a breastfeeding mom struggling to produce and unwilling to dump out any breast milk. I didn’t want to talk to people because my addition to the conversation was only as simple as ” Asher pooped today!” or ” Ugh, the baby spit up in my mouth.” and nothing more. I was a mom now but rather than allowing this new title and responsibility to add to who I was, it had become my entire identity. I was drowning.
In addition to becoming a new mom, I got engaged a few days before giving birth. As exciting as that was for us, it was quickly over shadowed by the stress of being parents. The first two months of Asher’s life we only spoke about him. I honestly don’t even remember what we talked about prior to the baby anymore. Not to mention the constant pressure from people to rush our marriage simply because we were parents now and that is what we were “suppose to do”; causing a MAJOR strain on our relationship.
There was no food train. No one offering to do laundry or assist with helping around the house. Just people wanting to get to the baby and it was our responsibility to keep him safe so we did it alone. It was hard, we smiled, we laughed, we cried a whole lot. Once it was time for daddy to return to work, it was just me. Me and a newborn alone for seven days straight. I don’t remember much of that week, just that I was miserable: I was in love with my son, I was exhausted, I was lonely.
I never doubted that postpartum was real as I had dealt with depression before.
But postpartum… was really real.
IS really real.
My son will be five months in two weeks and I’m beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel. My world is still Asher, and it will always be but I finally have the desire to get back to me – whoever “me” is these days. I look forward to finding out just how amazing she is while embracing every title I currently hold.
Most of the moment’s I chose to acknowledge over the last few months are centered around my son but I am ready to create and collect moments of my own again. I am ready to rediscover the beauty in being Mona.